Today I'm not afraid of being a single mother. I've spent so long fighting life. Fighting my feelings, fighting other people's feelings, fighting against other peoples politics and fighting for my own, fighting society, fighting ex-lovers..
For once I'm letting go. I walk around in some moments looking at my life through her new eyes. Trying to imagine the kind of wonder Max will have peering at these strange creatures and scenes that create my life. Watching my beautiful friends strum instruments and sing while surrounded by color and art- and I realize how precious these moments are. How much Max may want to dance and sing, observe and grow in these moments. I realize how much I want to grow in these moments. I don't fight them anymore, I don't ignore them for tomorrow. I bring them closer.
I look at situations I've felt uneasy in and unfulfilled in, those moments I convinced myself to " just put up with it" and I finally find the power to disengage. I don't judge the person or the moment, I just see that I find no joy there and therefore want to be pried free.
I want to create for this child. I want her to be surrounded by art and beauty, and I'm finally finding the drive to make what I find doesn't exsist.
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