"Ain't Got No/I've Got Life"

For 10 months I have been absolutely consumed with the day Maddox would arrive- if the world would have crumbled around me I would have cared less as long as she was still safe in my womb. I can't explain it to you, but nothing mattered but the fetus growing inside of me and the day our life would begin. She is here now, 3 weeks old and I literally cannot put words to her. She is more beautiful than I ever could have imagined and in my heart I feel that truth more than any before. I cannot imagine a world without her. I am overcome by such love for her that it scares me. Its a love that truly moves me to tears and love that is indescribable. I finally have felt the strength of a love that people will give their life for, a love people create revolutions for. I feel she has always been here, always been inside of me somewhere. Today I believe she was what pulled me through drunken motorcycle accidents and living with no regard for the importance of my life. When all I wanted was to be left cloaked in a drunken oblivion she was somewhere within me giving me a reason to hold on.

To have someone to live and create beauty for leaves me with a sense of serenity. Life is very simple today but more important than ever. Changing a diaper and feeding her, rocking her and singing to her, talking to her and smiling at her consume every moment of my day and night. There is so much going on in these utterly simple moments. To know that how I choose to love and raise her can so greatly impact her whole life is such a beautifully empowering feeling. She will not have to know the depression I have held onto since my earliest childhood memories. She can be one less human who spends their days in therapy or getting obliterated to run from a sordid and painful childhood or past. That she can be one woman raised from a bed of feminist values and surrounded by healthy relationships is my commitment and promise to my daughter.

Leaves me with a lot less room to be a fuck up. Its not about me anymore.
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But I've been afraid to write these past couple of weeks. I've been afraid to write because I've been dealing with a good amount of sadness and loneliness on top of all these new feelings. I've been afraid to admit that even though the love of my daughter is the most powerful and beautiful emotion I've ever felt I've also been hurting as well. I've already begun the mommy guilt thing. I thought that there should be no sadness accompanying my daughters birth or the days following. But that is so so unrealistic. I remembered a few days ago that what allowed me to begin to actually heal from the breakup with Max's father was that for the first time in my life I decided to own and feel the pain instead of run from it or live in it. So there is no use in pretending I'm superwoman now. I've got to admit, being a single mother is some tough fucking business. Hormonally, emotionally, physically. But whats amazing is I've realized I don't have to be floating in bliss to be empowered or to be absolutely head over heels in love.
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I ended up having Maddox via c-section and I've been silently grieving the shattered illusion of how I envisioned her birth to be. I dreamt for 9 months about having her vaginally, I wanted to grunt and scream and sweat and cry, I wanted her to be handed to me after seeing her umbilical cord cut, I wanted to have a mirror and see her crown, I wanted to feel her birth. Instead, I was whisked to a room that literally looked like something out of a sci-fi movie, it was so bright and cold and foreign that the room and doctors caused me to shake and cry uncontrollably.

 On top of grieving the fantasy of her birth I swore by for 9 months, I also have guilt because ultimately it was my decision to have her via c section. After days of contractions I was not dilating and she was not dropping so my doctor suggested that it would be in our best interest to go ahead with a c section and so I did. Come to find out her head was caught on a bone inside of me but despite that fact I almost have made myself feel less of a woman because I didn't even try. Now I know I am not but its taking some time to come to terms with that.
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Oh life. This is real. This is what its like to begin a new life.This is what its like to create a new life. This is what its like to begin to grow up. This is my personal journey into motherhood, its not like yours or the lady on TV or your moms or my moms. I'm learning to part with the old. I can't run from it anymore. I don't have to live in the memories of my past but I do have to accept them as my own. You know whats pretty beautiful though, I was talking to Maddox a few days ago, trying to get her to sleep and I realized that Maddox's father did help to create her beautiful life and for that he has accomplished something miraculous. Our relationship was so chaotic and ugly but from it came this beautiful girl and from her I finally have gained the courage to live. I can honestly say I wouldn't have done this any other way.

Maddox Elizabeth Turner

Maddox, my mother and I