To love and hate his breathe
the breathe that destroyed joyful parts of me
That same breathe created beautiful life
and my maddened nights
That breathe created her first crawl, first step
and my tear stroked nights
Her young breathe will never know the pain
of what was our past
To pray his needle will never take his breathe so far away
that we can never reach
We can never reach you there
it's to far away
Friday, April 20, 2012
9 Months Later
Wow. It's really been 8 months since I've been on this thing.. What a crazy ride.
Last time I blogged Maddox was not even a month and I was still reeling from the fact that her father showed up to her birth strung out. Hardest thing I've ever gone through.
In many ways I'm still recovering from that. I was being prepped for my c-section and at the same time having to wake up Cody so he wasn't not knodding out in front of the doctors. Then hours after my c-section I had to find a way to get up so I could change Max's diapers cause he was passed out on the couch in the hospital room... Sounds knarly, and it was.. But that crazy thing is, I was happier in those moments then ever. It began my journey with me and Max. Just me and that little girl.. Crazy ma and all.
It's been a tough ride, but such a beautiful one. Just me and her.
In many ways I can't believe I've made it the way I have through all of this. But god damn, that lil girl rocks my world.
The funny thing is, I don't feel in any way I'm struggling. I'm actually creating the life I want to live. I want to climb, dance and do yoga. So I'm actually creating a way to do that. I also want my daughter to experience the life I could have never dreamed of. We may be broke as fuck but she has a mom who will neeeeever give up on her and never stop fighting for her. Plus the beautiful thing about being a radical ma is that we have a support group that is a million times strong. We have an army of friends and lovers who would scoop us up and support us even if they could not support themselves. What other subculture has that to rely upon?!
We're gonna make it. And we're gonna make it cause I'm not settling for mediocrity and don't you do it yourself. There's always a million if, andsss orrr.... Butss, at the end of the day, for all we know, we only live once. Take care of the ones closest to you and then take care of yourself. Take risks, step out. It's seriously possible. The only thing stopping you from dreaming big is your thinking. And that's a little machine inside your head, its easily reconditioned.. Just take some risks :)
Last time I blogged Maddox was not even a month and I was still reeling from the fact that her father showed up to her birth strung out. Hardest thing I've ever gone through.
In many ways I'm still recovering from that. I was being prepped for my c-section and at the same time having to wake up Cody so he wasn't not knodding out in front of the doctors. Then hours after my c-section I had to find a way to get up so I could change Max's diapers cause he was passed out on the couch in the hospital room... Sounds knarly, and it was.. But that crazy thing is, I was happier in those moments then ever. It began my journey with me and Max. Just me and that little girl.. Crazy ma and all.
It's been a tough ride, but such a beautiful one. Just me and her.
In many ways I can't believe I've made it the way I have through all of this. But god damn, that lil girl rocks my world.
The funny thing is, I don't feel in any way I'm struggling. I'm actually creating the life I want to live. I want to climb, dance and do yoga. So I'm actually creating a way to do that. I also want my daughter to experience the life I could have never dreamed of. We may be broke as fuck but she has a mom who will neeeeever give up on her and never stop fighting for her. Plus the beautiful thing about being a radical ma is that we have a support group that is a million times strong. We have an army of friends and lovers who would scoop us up and support us even if they could not support themselves. What other subculture has that to rely upon?!
We're gonna make it. And we're gonna make it cause I'm not settling for mediocrity and don't you do it yourself. There's always a million if, andsss orrr.... Butss, at the end of the day, for all we know, we only live once. Take care of the ones closest to you and then take care of yourself. Take risks, step out. It's seriously possible. The only thing stopping you from dreaming big is your thinking. And that's a little machine inside your head, its easily reconditioned.. Just take some risks :)
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