Intro

I want to write this blog for so many reasons. I want to write this to heal, I want to write this to connect to other women and men who have been in abusive relationships, I want to write this zine so my daughter can one day look back and see where her mother came from and know how she has truly been the greatest gift to my life. I also want to write this to celebrate. Celebrate life, celebrate change, celebrate FREEDOM and celebrate those mornings when you wake up finally knowing everything is going to be a-OK.

After realizing that I was to fall under the "young single mother" niche I began reading, reading furiously to connect with a voice that would resonate and make me feel more empowered not more confused. And although I have found a plethora of lit. that seemed to start to "go there" I was unable to find something to really hit the mark. That's also why I want to write this blog. I want to explore single parent-hood with a community, after all I've been shocked to discover how many "punks" and "anarchists" and "radicals" feel the want to marry once deciding to have children. I felt that urge. I remember lying to my ultra sound tech time and again, calling my ex my "husband" because I wanted to avoid her judgmental eyes. I found myself fantasizing about an actual white wedding in the shower one evening, That said, I am not judging the decision to marry. I stayed in a shitty relationship because I was wooed by the fantasy of the nuclear family. That is what I'm talking about. And I want to be able to freely and openly explore what it was within me that felt that because I wanted to keep my child and continue with my pregnancy that therefore I needed to stay with her father. I know I'm not alone in this decision and leaving him has been the most liberating step I've taken in years. Well besides deciding to journey into parenthood. And I want to create this blog to share this step and celebrate single pregnancy and parenthood (as I've yet to explore but am a month away from). 

My life has changed so drastically in a year. Exactly a year ago I was in jail in LA County for getting into a belligerent fight with my ex-boyfriend while riding trains. This year the stability that for years I have been running frantically away from has now swallowed me whole and, surprisingly, brought me the comfort and peace of mind that I thought I had lost for good. Not to mention I'm 7 1/2 months pregnant, I would have never imagined that one was coming. But what a gift this little girl already has become and I've yet to even  meet her.

"Our lives are intense, chaotic, excellent. We don't know too much about "settling down," but we are finding, after a long ramble, ways to mother soulfully in this world- the one we swore we would never bring children into, the one that spawned cynicism and the one that, ultimately, nurtures our hope."  -Ariel Gore from Breeder 'Real-Life Stories from the New Generation of Mothers'